Couple Therapy: The opportunity for growth in a relationship.

As you leave the office, you look at your watch. It’s seven o’ clock and you’re late, again. You really couldn’t leave work any earlier, because you know how important this project is for your career. You pop into a shop, trying to figure out what to get for dinner tonight. You take the bus back home and as you make your way indoors, your partner is sitting on the sofa, waiting for you to prepare dinner as it is now eight thirty. You have a quick look around. The clean laundry is still sitting on the clothes horse, the dishwasher has finished, but rather than being empty, the clean dishes from last night have just being left inside it … again. You prepare dinner, load the dishwasher, have a shower and go to bed. No talking, no kissing, no sex. This is not working anymore.

The lack of effort and support you feel from your partner mean that even the smallest things have become a mountain. Communication has gone away and you find yourself resenting them. These recurring nuisances coupled with the daily grind and a monotonous routine have led to a vicious cycle of infinite bickering or hours of silent treatment by both of you. You don’t feel appreciated or loved. You have become increasingly frustrated and you have started to consider ‘what if’ scenarios, but is this really the end? Will the grass be greener on the other side?

How many of us have gone through this same scenario? After a few years into a relationship, you may realise things are not the same as they used to be. You don’t seem to be connecting anymore, and you are doubting whether your partner is the ‘one’ for you. You feel frustrated and wonder if you are just wasting your time, in what you believe has turned into a dull, hopeless relationship. However, perhaps you feel that there is still something special between you. You love your partner. You have had some amazing moments together, and you don’t feel ready to give up yet. So, you start wondering whether things can really change. As a last-ditch attempt to rescue the relationship, you decide to give couples therapy a go.   

When couples walk into my consulting room, it is almost always because either something is not quite right or it is the last port of call for the relationship. Maybe there has been an affair, or too much conflict, or even a series of micro-aggressive acts that in the long term have brought discontent, resentment, anger, broken trust, lies and certainly, no sex! 

It is hard, sometimes, for me to grasp the whole picture, when the full account of events and situations that have built up over the years is laid before me. Sometimes, too, this is the first time that both of them have heard the full story.

“It’s a mess!” is something I often hear from one of the partners.

“I am stuck, as this is not going to change,” says the other.

“Great, this is good news then” I respond, staring back at their ever so confused looks.

Then, quickly before they run out of my consulting room thinking that I must be nuts, I say to both that it is great news they are stuck because it means they have an opportunity for growth, individually and ultimately as a couple.

THE FIVE STAGES OF COUPLE DEVELOPMENT

The developmental model of couples was formulated by Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson in the 1980s based on the work of Margaret Mahler, who identified the stages of early childhood development. The model incorporates her ideas about differentiation plus certain aspects of attachment theory. Like other developmental models, the developmental model of couples assumes that there is a predictable sequence of developmental milestones. The model compares the development of relationships in adulthood to how a child progresses through typical developmental stages. Thus, according to the model, it is natural for a relationship to change as the two people spend more time together and become a team.

According to Bader and Pearson, long-term relationships often proceed through the following developmental stages:

• Symbiosis: This is the initial honeymoon period when the two people seek closeness together, discover their similarities and may fall in love.

• Differentiation: In this stage, the couple begin to acknowledge and address their differences. Importantly, they need to learn how to resolve conflict.

• Practicing: The partners now begin to explore their independence. They nurture other friendships and develop their self-esteem and competence away from the relationship.

• Rapprochement: The couples may move away from and then return to each another. Often, their sex life will become more intimate and stronger.

• Synergy: The couple embraces true intimacy. They recognise that they are stronger together as a team than as individuals.

Each of the partners has to progress through the stages, so that in this model, a healthy relationship needs developmental growth by each of them. Issues can arise during the development of a relationship because the two people may not always change in the same way or at the same time. Conflict can arise if they are at different stages in the relationship or not able to manage between themselves a new developmental stage. Thus, rather than focusing on pathology, the developmental model of couples therapy emphasises the role of development in the relationship.

REFLECTING ON YOUR COUPLE’S CHALLENGE

If you are experiencing difficulties in your relationship, take some time on your own and think about what stage of development you are in the relationship and what stage you might be willing to reach, or whether you want to stay where you are. Are you at symbiosis? Perhaps, you are moving toward differentiation? What about your partner?

Then ask yourself the following reflective questions:

1.     What is the issue as I understand it?

2.     How do I feel this issue impacts me and the relationship?

3.     What do I want from my partner with regards to this issue?

4.     If things do not change, what will this mean for me and the relationship going forward?

One key message in this couple developmental model is that differentiation is crucial.

Happy relationships don’t just happen. They are built. They require effort and work, and both partners must be willing to work on improving themselves as well as improving the partnership. A healthy relationship is never perfect. In fact, it's often imperfect. Couples in healthy relationships learn that conflict is actually an opportunity for growth.